To be a survivor....

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed." Written by Lynn Mari (The Last Straw)

I love this quote!! I can relate to it entirely and after being in abusive situation for many years...this is a perfect description of the journey in which you must endure in order to find yourself again.  You WILL find yourself again though and the last line..the last line is exactly what happens..you are different but not in a bad way.  You are different in away that gives you almost an extra sense.  You are stronger and wiser, more cautious.  You may not have the same heart but you are left with a strong heart, a heart that can endure a lot. One day, when that special person comes along you will be able to love them but with less innocence..you will never give your all again. You will always have a tiny piece that you reserve that noone..absolutely noone will ever be able to touch again.  That piece of heart is what you reserve for yourself and will get you through anything. 

There are so many people out there..like vultures..just waiting to fly down and take whatever scraps of trust and goodness you have left in you.  They don't know though..that you are no longer prey, you are not waiting helplessly, you are not vulnerable..no, not anymore.  If they try and they will..the outcome will be very surprising and they will find out quickly that you were not only expecting them but ready to fight back. 

So, to the abusers, the liars, the vultures out there..thinking that they will be able to just swoop down and grab their prey..then to do whatever they want, say whatever they want..just try.  That little mouse or small defenseless animal you are trying to capture...may not be what you think they are...        

Shadows Cast Beneath the Moon...

Eternity is forever
yet some flames burn out to soon
leaving us in blackened darkness
shadows cast beneath the moon

Love wraps itself around us
but it is neither friend nor foe
something much more mysterious
than the mind could ever know

It can carve scars in our soul
as deep as canyons in a valley
leave the heart a cavernous cave
spirit lost in a blind, dark alley

and the only truth, our only truth
lies somewhere in between
what once was real and true
and a future yet unforeseen

and in the denseness of the foggy midst
through the swirls of ominous gray
we walk an unchosen path called fate
and try to find our way..

then one starry, hopeful night
the sky illuminated by a large white balloon
the sillhouette of two lovers appear
as shadows cast beneath the moon....

I will miss you

A warm breeze blows
and I feel your spirit around me
bringing me a sense of peace
love and comfort cradle me

The pain aches
the emptiness a void
but I hear your voice
and it touches my soul

for I know you are not gone
the spirit does not die
but remains always
teaching, showing, guiding

and in the darkness of the night
when I feel alone
your words speak to me
and guide me to rest

Sometimes I awake
tears falling gently down my cheek
anger takes over
for for it is not fair that you are gone

After helping so many
doing such good in the world
saving lives, touching lives
while sacrificing your own.

Suddenly a voice speaks
and says to me
"his job  here is done"
God needs him in heaven now

For he is the angel he was meant to be
and from above will guide us
and like a shining star in the night sky
his light will forever remain in our hearts.

My Dearest Uncle

Dear Uncle Larry,

Tonight I sit here and I feel you with me.  A few hours ago I said goodbye to you.   Goodbye for now.  I know someday I will see you again.  You were a man of so much faith and taught me so many valuable lessons.  You taught me to live a simple but full life.  You taught me to take life one day at a time.  You gave of yourself selflessly to so many people! You were and always will be so, so loved. 

About five weeks ago you were diagnosed with cancer. You never complained not once.  You faced it like the brave man you have always been.  Many years ago you were one of the first people to get a liver bi-pass.  You weren't supposed to live long, nobody really expected it.  I'm not surprised that you lived 35 more years. You were meant to be here and make a difference in lives and you did.  You saved so many lives, you were a loyal friend, loving brother, uncle and father.

Earlier today you friends were sharing stories of you.  They told me a story of you getting into a car accident.  It was the other persons fault..a woman.  You went up to her to make sure she was okay and apologized.  She said it was her fault and was all upset.  The police came and you took the blame because you felt bad for her.  Your insurance went up but you didn't care.  You spent many holidays  helping the less fortunate.  That was who you were. 

I am blessed that I got to say goodbye and spend some time with you.  You weren't here long enough but while you were here..you made such a difference.  Your life was not in vain.  You will be missed so much but I find comfort in knowing you are now at peace.  You are with the angels now and I know you will guide us and watch out for us from above. 

Thank you so much for being the uncle that you were to me. ~ Love always, Your Princess

One Day I Will Look for Love

one day I will look for love..
over a mountain top..
and there will be no clouds
causing the search to stop..

for the sun will shine
light a pathway before me
as birds sing a tune of joy
walk, walk towards your destiny!

roads left behind me
hurt blown away by the wind
heartache crushed beneath footprints
no more words to rescind

for silence brings peace
dust blows, the pathway winding
but my vision is clear
though the dirt is blinding

For in the distance ahead
lies the man holding a heart
an emptiness fills me
rivers keeping us apart

but he will walk down to the bank
at the edge of the sand
trust me he will say
while holding MY heart in hand

I will reach out for my heart
yet it will feel fuller than before
what a strange feeling
one i have never felt before

and there he will stand
to say "I am so glad you arrived
for it took so much time
look at all you have survived".

But in order to be ready
to give your love to me
you needed to let go
and let your heart be free 

Through all your hardships
through your pain and trials
this gave you the strength
to walk all these miles

here I stand
now that you have found yourself
you are now ready
to take your heart off the shelf

and be happy, be loved
grow old with me
this journey has been mapped out
to reach your destiny..

So take my hand
you safe now he will say
forever begins now
and I will never go away....

June 22, 2011

Last night I was chatting with one of my oldest and truest friends on the phone.  After we hung up, I couldn't help but think of how lucky and blessed I am to be surrounded by such positive, inspiring and wonderful people.  My friend and I don't talk often and barely see each other these days.  Life has a way of filling our days and weeks so much that when we blink, months have gone by.  We both understand this though and know that if it we ever needed each other..in a moment..we would be there.  That is what friendship should be..easy, drama free.

I also got to thinking about how much my life has changed.  If you asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, my answer would have been a LOT different than how things have turned out.  So many years of my life were spent trapped, sad, trying to fix others and just struggling day by day.  I was surviving but not LIVING.  I honestly could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The day I had the strength to finally end my relationship with my ex was the beginning of great things to come.  Immediately a weight was lifted off of me and the feeling of freedom was the best feeling I had ever felt.  Mentally and emotionally it took me YEARS to undo all the damage he had done.  I could do things MY way, things did not have to be PERFECT and I wasn't walking on egg shells anymore. 

The next step was finding ME.  It has been a journey and I am still finding me but it has been so unbelievably eye-opening that it is hard to describe in words.  From childhood, parents tend to kind of label their children...she is the "shy" one or whatever.  Come to find out..all the labels I have been living by...really weren't me at all!! So I broke through them and let the real me come out.

My friends...the most important role. The love and support from my family and friends have been unbelievable.  Through the years with my ex I was cut off from my friends..not just by him..but by me.  I was embarrased and sad all the time and didn't want to deal with the questioning, etc.  Still, many of my friends stood by me.  Facebook came along and I got in touch with old friends. There are nothing like old friends that knew you back when..and they have become gold coins in the treasure chest of my life. 

It took some time but I finally have opened up my heart..to love friendship and the possibility that I could and deserve to be happy.  I feel like a caged bird that has finally been set free and all I want to do is experience LIFE.  I look at it from brand new eyes and what a feeling that is!  It's almost as If I am awakening from a coma and I have to relearn everything.  I am loving every minute of it.

I still have work to do...I am still working on my self-esteem and not being afraid but I have come so far!! What more can I ask of myself.  Angels have come into my life..each with a new lesson...each touching my heart in their own special way.  Doors are opening and yet some are closing but I am no longer afraid.  I look to the future with a calmness and positivity.  I know now, in my heart that things will be ok..things will work out however they are supposed to.  I am so grateful for all I have and what I don't have...I don't need in my life. :) 

To My Father

As father's day approaches, I can't help but to think of how lucky I am to have had a father like I do.  So this blog is to my hero, my dad.

Dad,

As a little girl, I always looked at you as if you were a super hero.  You aren't a big guy physically but your presence has always been huge.  You were always a master of so much!  If I fell and scraped my knee, you were there with calming words and a bandaid to make it all better.  If my dolls arm broke off, you would perform "surgery" in the garage and like magic..she would be healed.  You built things and repaired everything and it amazed me. You were strong but loving, stern but kind.

As the years went by and my teenage years emerged, you were left to raise two girls on your own.  How you did it, I still do not know!! You worked hard, the overnight shift and still somehow found a way to feed us healthy dinners every night.  I went through a horrible rebellious stage and somehow you survived it.  No longer were you fixing my dolls, or bandaging my cut knees..you were fixing broken hearts and dealing with teenage drama.  Still, you got me through.

At the age of 21 I came to you and announced that I was pregnant.  I was in college but fell in love with a man that you did not like.  Yes, come to find out you were right as usual but I was young, naive and thought I had all the answers.  You looked at me with tears in your eyes.  I never saw my dad cry and it killed me inside.  It took you a little while but you came through as usual with support and love.  After Michael's birth, when things were going horribly wrong in my relationship.  I called the one man in the world I could always count on.  I know it couldn't have been easy but you opened up your heart and home to me and my baby.  I was back home, safe and in the loving environment I grew up in.

Now I began working full time and you stepped in and picked up Michael from day care every day.  I could never, ever have done it without you.  You were not only a grandfather to Michael but a father figure.  I could never, ever pick a better role model for my son than you.  As Michael grew up you gave him all the love and guidance that you always gave me.  You never missed a baseball game and was there through it all.

Before we knew it, Michael became a teenager.  Rebellious just as I was.  There were car accidents, fights, problems in school and you were always there.  You were there not only for him but for me when I didn't know if I was strong enough to get through it. 

Now Michael is 18.  He is an adult.  He is making mistakes but just as I did, I have faith that all the guidance, love and support he has gotten from you and all that I have instilled in him (which was learned from you) in the long run he will be ok.

Dad, I could never, ever express in words how grateful and blessed I feel to have you as my father.  To me, you are still a super hero.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I want to thank you for all you have given me, shown me and taught me throughout the years.  Happy Father's Day dad and from the bottom of my heart...thank you.