Peace....

So much sadness in my life
I wish that I had cried
Instead my pain was trapped
until my heart had froze inside

words that sliced through my heart
deeply scarring my trusting soul
I wanted to run so far away
but somehow I just couldn't go

each day I grew stronger
until I wanted to scream
your power over me is over
and I will go and live my dream

but dreams were all they were
lost in my own self doubt
tunnels and roads leading nowhere
for there seemed no way to get out

Yet escape was there waiting
when the fear of staying became to much
and a tender, caring spirit
held my hand with a tender touch

He said, "please come with me
trust and I will show you love
you don't belong down here
you need to soar above"

So I took his hand and held it
said goodbye to a world unkind
let the pain bleed out slowly
as I left the hurt behind.

To be a survivor....

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed." Written by Lynn Mari (The Last Straw)

I love this quote!! I can relate to it entirely and after being in abusive situation for many years...this is a perfect description of the journey in which you must endure in order to find yourself again.  You WILL find yourself again though and the last line..the last line is exactly what happens..you are different but not in a bad way.  You are different in away that gives you almost an extra sense.  You are stronger and wiser, more cautious.  You may not have the same heart but you are left with a strong heart, a heart that can endure a lot. One day, when that special person comes along you will be able to love them but with less innocence..you will never give your all again. You will always have a tiny piece that you reserve that noone..absolutely noone will ever be able to touch again.  That piece of heart is what you reserve for yourself and will get you through anything. 

There are so many people out there..like vultures..just waiting to fly down and take whatever scraps of trust and goodness you have left in you.  They don't know though..that you are no longer prey, you are not waiting helplessly, you are not vulnerable..no, not anymore.  If they try and they will..the outcome will be very surprising and they will find out quickly that you were not only expecting them but ready to fight back. 

So, to the abusers, the liars, the vultures out there..thinking that they will be able to just swoop down and grab their prey..then to do whatever they want, say whatever they want..just try.  That little mouse or small defenseless animal you are trying to capture...may not be what you think they are...        

Shadows Cast Beneath the Moon...

Eternity is forever
yet some flames burn out to soon
leaving us in blackened darkness
shadows cast beneath the moon

Love wraps itself around us
but it is neither friend nor foe
something much more mysterious
than the mind could ever know

It can carve scars in our soul
as deep as canyons in a valley
leave the heart a cavernous cave
spirit lost in a blind, dark alley

and the only truth, our only truth
lies somewhere in between
what once was real and true
and a future yet unforeseen

and in the denseness of the foggy midst
through the swirls of ominous gray
we walk an unchosen path called fate
and try to find our way..

then one starry, hopeful night
the sky illuminated by a large white balloon
the sillhouette of two lovers appear
as shadows cast beneath the moon....

I will miss you

A warm breeze blows
and I feel your spirit around me
bringing me a sense of peace
love and comfort cradle me

The pain aches
the emptiness a void
but I hear your voice
and it touches my soul

for I know you are not gone
the spirit does not die
but remains always
teaching, showing, guiding

and in the darkness of the night
when I feel alone
your words speak to me
and guide me to rest

Sometimes I awake
tears falling gently down my cheek
anger takes over
for for it is not fair that you are gone

After helping so many
doing such good in the world
saving lives, touching lives
while sacrificing your own.

Suddenly a voice speaks
and says to me
"his job  here is done"
God needs him in heaven now

For he is the angel he was meant to be
and from above will guide us
and like a shining star in the night sky
his light will forever remain in our hearts.

My Dearest Uncle

Dear Uncle Larry,

Tonight I sit here and I feel you with me.  A few hours ago I said goodbye to you.   Goodbye for now.  I know someday I will see you again.  You were a man of so much faith and taught me so many valuable lessons.  You taught me to live a simple but full life.  You taught me to take life one day at a time.  You gave of yourself selflessly to so many people! You were and always will be so, so loved. 

About five weeks ago you were diagnosed with cancer. You never complained not once.  You faced it like the brave man you have always been.  Many years ago you were one of the first people to get a liver bi-pass.  You weren't supposed to live long, nobody really expected it.  I'm not surprised that you lived 35 more years. You were meant to be here and make a difference in lives and you did.  You saved so many lives, you were a loyal friend, loving brother, uncle and father.

Earlier today you friends were sharing stories of you.  They told me a story of you getting into a car accident.  It was the other persons fault..a woman.  You went up to her to make sure she was okay and apologized.  She said it was her fault and was all upset.  The police came and you took the blame because you felt bad for her.  Your insurance went up but you didn't care.  You spent many holidays  helping the less fortunate.  That was who you were. 

I am blessed that I got to say goodbye and spend some time with you.  You weren't here long enough but while you were here..you made such a difference.  Your life was not in vain.  You will be missed so much but I find comfort in knowing you are now at peace.  You are with the angels now and I know you will guide us and watch out for us from above. 

Thank you so much for being the uncle that you were to me. ~ Love always, Your Princess

One Day I Will Look for Love

one day I will look for love..
over a mountain top..
and there will be no clouds
causing the search to stop..

for the sun will shine
light a pathway before me
as birds sing a tune of joy
walk, walk towards your destiny!

roads left behind me
hurt blown away by the wind
heartache crushed beneath footprints
no more words to rescind

for silence brings peace
dust blows, the pathway winding
but my vision is clear
though the dirt is blinding

For in the distance ahead
lies the man holding a heart
an emptiness fills me
rivers keeping us apart

but he will walk down to the bank
at the edge of the sand
trust me he will say
while holding MY heart in hand

I will reach out for my heart
yet it will feel fuller than before
what a strange feeling
one i have never felt before

and there he will stand
to say "I am so glad you arrived
for it took so much time
look at all you have survived".

But in order to be ready
to give your love to me
you needed to let go
and let your heart be free 

Through all your hardships
through your pain and trials
this gave you the strength
to walk all these miles

here I stand
now that you have found yourself
you are now ready
to take your heart off the shelf

and be happy, be loved
grow old with me
this journey has been mapped out
to reach your destiny..

So take my hand
you safe now he will say
forever begins now
and I will never go away....

June 22, 2011

Last night I was chatting with one of my oldest and truest friends on the phone.  After we hung up, I couldn't help but think of how lucky and blessed I am to be surrounded by such positive, inspiring and wonderful people.  My friend and I don't talk often and barely see each other these days.  Life has a way of filling our days and weeks so much that when we blink, months have gone by.  We both understand this though and know that if it we ever needed each other..in a moment..we would be there.  That is what friendship should be..easy, drama free.

I also got to thinking about how much my life has changed.  If you asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, my answer would have been a LOT different than how things have turned out.  So many years of my life were spent trapped, sad, trying to fix others and just struggling day by day.  I was surviving but not LIVING.  I honestly could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The day I had the strength to finally end my relationship with my ex was the beginning of great things to come.  Immediately a weight was lifted off of me and the feeling of freedom was the best feeling I had ever felt.  Mentally and emotionally it took me YEARS to undo all the damage he had done.  I could do things MY way, things did not have to be PERFECT and I wasn't walking on egg shells anymore. 

The next step was finding ME.  It has been a journey and I am still finding me but it has been so unbelievably eye-opening that it is hard to describe in words.  From childhood, parents tend to kind of label their children...she is the "shy" one or whatever.  Come to find out..all the labels I have been living by...really weren't me at all!! So I broke through them and let the real me come out.

My friends...the most important role. The love and support from my family and friends have been unbelievable.  Through the years with my ex I was cut off from my friends..not just by him..but by me.  I was embarrased and sad all the time and didn't want to deal with the questioning, etc.  Still, many of my friends stood by me.  Facebook came along and I got in touch with old friends. There are nothing like old friends that knew you back when..and they have become gold coins in the treasure chest of my life. 

It took some time but I finally have opened up my heart..to love friendship and the possibility that I could and deserve to be happy.  I feel like a caged bird that has finally been set free and all I want to do is experience LIFE.  I look at it from brand new eyes and what a feeling that is!  It's almost as If I am awakening from a coma and I have to relearn everything.  I am loving every minute of it.

I still have work to do...I am still working on my self-esteem and not being afraid but I have come so far!! What more can I ask of myself.  Angels have come into my life..each with a new lesson...each touching my heart in their own special way.  Doors are opening and yet some are closing but I am no longer afraid.  I look to the future with a calmness and positivity.  I know now, in my heart that things will be ok..things will work out however they are supposed to.  I am so grateful for all I have and what I don't have...I don't need in my life. :) 

To My Father

As father's day approaches, I can't help but to think of how lucky I am to have had a father like I do.  So this blog is to my hero, my dad.

Dad,

As a little girl, I always looked at you as if you were a super hero.  You aren't a big guy physically but your presence has always been huge.  You were always a master of so much!  If I fell and scraped my knee, you were there with calming words and a bandaid to make it all better.  If my dolls arm broke off, you would perform "surgery" in the garage and like magic..she would be healed.  You built things and repaired everything and it amazed me. You were strong but loving, stern but kind.

As the years went by and my teenage years emerged, you were left to raise two girls on your own.  How you did it, I still do not know!! You worked hard, the overnight shift and still somehow found a way to feed us healthy dinners every night.  I went through a horrible rebellious stage and somehow you survived it.  No longer were you fixing my dolls, or bandaging my cut knees..you were fixing broken hearts and dealing with teenage drama.  Still, you got me through.

At the age of 21 I came to you and announced that I was pregnant.  I was in college but fell in love with a man that you did not like.  Yes, come to find out you were right as usual but I was young, naive and thought I had all the answers.  You looked at me with tears in your eyes.  I never saw my dad cry and it killed me inside.  It took you a little while but you came through as usual with support and love.  After Michael's birth, when things were going horribly wrong in my relationship.  I called the one man in the world I could always count on.  I know it couldn't have been easy but you opened up your heart and home to me and my baby.  I was back home, safe and in the loving environment I grew up in.

Now I began working full time and you stepped in and picked up Michael from day care every day.  I could never, ever have done it without you.  You were not only a grandfather to Michael but a father figure.  I could never, ever pick a better role model for my son than you.  As Michael grew up you gave him all the love and guidance that you always gave me.  You never missed a baseball game and was there through it all.

Before we knew it, Michael became a teenager.  Rebellious just as I was.  There were car accidents, fights, problems in school and you were always there.  You were there not only for him but for me when I didn't know if I was strong enough to get through it. 

Now Michael is 18.  He is an adult.  He is making mistakes but just as I did, I have faith that all the guidance, love and support he has gotten from you and all that I have instilled in him (which was learned from you) in the long run he will be ok.

Dad, I could never, ever express in words how grateful and blessed I feel to have you as my father.  To me, you are still a super hero.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I want to thank you for all you have given me, shown me and taught me throughout the years.  Happy Father's Day dad and from the bottom of my heart...thank you.

Hearts Chance

I know in the end
my heart will be broken
behind silent tears
and words yet unspoken

I am starting to waver
intuition you may say
a tiny little voice inside
telling me to run away

To save myself
before I am through
to once again become numb
as I was before you

how dare you to come along
knowing you held the one key
that could open up the door
of emotions deep inside of me

I don't know what to do
what to feel or what to say
do I sit here and wait
do I leave, do I stay?

At this point I believe
that the choice is not mine
that my heart has taken over
crossed the boundary line

So I will keep loving you
hope my trust you will not forsake
for my heart is delicate and fragile
and like glass can easily break

I will ltry to live in the moment
try not to jump before I fall
have faith that just maybe
You will stay after all ...

Beside You

I want to help you
to take your pain away
I only know to hold you
but I don't know what to say

My only intinct is to care
to remain loyal by your side
to let you know you aren't alone
through this roller coaster ride

My heart aches inside
to know how scared you must be
I am so glad that you have opened up
to share your feelings with me

We will get through this
our love stronger in spite
and as sure as the moon shines
in the sky every night

I will make a promise to you
that by your side I will stay
to comfort you and hold your hand
through whatever comes our way

I will help you however I can
and my heart will remain true
and though words cannot change things
I hope my love will comfort you..xoxo

Careful

I am a careful woman
carrying the weight of pain
chains pulling me down
as they cut through my skin

I am a careful woman
moisture forms on my cheeks
my burning eyes have seen too much
for this heart to bear

I am a careful woman
scars like reminders
of a time not long ago
despair being my only friend

I am a careful woman
lonliness comforts me
for peace replaces chaos
and safety erases fear

I am a careful woman
hidden behind a shield
peering out to just see
the world left behind

I am a careful woman
distance protects me
from an uncertain future
of sadness and loss

I am a careful woman
but beneath the strong exterior
lies a scared, hurt girl
afraid to let love in again ....

 

Insomnia

Darkness steals it away
like a thief in the night
as the moon shines through
with its bright glowing light

I toss and I turn
trying to put my mind at ease
I open my bedroom window
to get air and feel a breeze

Still sleep evades me
and my worries multiply
as a tear drop falls down my cheek
I try my hardest not to cry

Like a deep dark hole
it takes away my peace
as I try to dream of wonderful places
bad thoughts it won't release

my heart begins to pound
my breathing become fast
as I try to tell myself
that this feeling will not last

the clock ticks
as mornings sun begins to rise
I hear the birds outside
as I lie there with heavy eyes

A new day has begun
as my mind and body still fight
I give up the battle
as my bedroom welcomes light.....

Captured by Love..

Captured by Love

I almost gave up on love once

thought my feelings I could control

Until his kiss touched me within

 reaching deep into my soul

I tried to look away from him

fight the emotions rising inside

but my walls started crumbling

rushing in like the ocean's tide

I felt myself come alive again

fears erased by a soft touch

I tried to will it all away

but I began to care too much

I dont know what the future holds

insecurities sometimes still arise

but then it all seems ok 

looking into his loving eyes

I never expected this to happen

I no longer hear the warning alarms

I never thought I would once again

feel I belong in someones arms

I will put my trust in destiny

Fate will show me the way

and If somehow I get hurt

I know I will be okay

For now I will enjoy each moment

and not worry about the future days

accept the love that has been given to me

that has set my heart ablaze

I will surrender myself to him

and trust in God up above

for when I put my guard down

He captured me with his love.....  

The Best for You

The light of my life
the glow of my soul
I will always be with you
wherever you go...

Feel me in your heart
taking away your pain
the sunshine that warms you
from the cold, wet rain

No matter what may come
or who he may be
a place for you is held
deep inside of me

You must open your heart
for love is not always perfect and clear
if you just allow it in
if you continue to persevere

The imperfections will not matter
when you look into their eyes
for love conquers all
reaches beyond the deep blue skies

Where he or she lacks
you will fulfill
as they will do unto you
and your mind will be still

All that will matter
is the feeling in your heart
and the way you will yearn for them
when you are apart

You will not think
of what they lack
when you feel their soft touch
on your arms, hands and back

The key to true happiness
is to let go of it all
trust in God above
listen to his call

He will guide you
to the arms you belong
to the person you were meant for
and supposed to be with all along

Happiness is waiting
for a gem such as you
forever I will only want
what is best for you 11:11

Happy Birthday Audrey Hepburn!!

One of my favorite movies..Breakfast at Tiffany's. Happy Birthday Audrey Hepburn who would have been 82 today. So much class & grace. You don't see actresses like her anymore.

 

 

Moment of Contentment..

Silence echoes
as the heaviness of the day
reaches my eyes
and my mind drifts away

thoughts rest in my mind
as I let go and just be
comfort in my soul
reaching serenity

gratitude for all that is
strength that carries me far
away from this cold world
to a brightly lit star

in the arms of a higher power
I know where I belong
to fill empty souls with love
to fill their spirits with song

for my duty is to be the change
for my blessings to give back
to follow the path forged for me
on a beaten worn out track

through each obstacle
the angels voices say
the light will see me through
illuminating the way

As I drift off to sleep
I will take what life has given me
for tomorrow I will do my best
to follow my hearts destiny...

Rain, Rain Go Away

Rain, Rain Go Away.. 

I lie here and beg 

rain please go away

no more darkness in my life

I can't take another day

keeping me awake

tapping on my windowsill

memories drift in and out

in the depth of my mind even still

when will the clouds dissapate

raindrops filled with fears  

as they dry upon my eyes and face 

a thousand tiny tears

Wash away my soul

and all the pain inside

release me from the sadness

like the many nights I've cried

Then rain, rain go away

and bring it all with you

let the sky be replaced with light

and give me life anew......

Paper Heart

Paper Heart

Heart made of paper

delicate and easily torn

worn on my sleeve

since the day that I was born

So I have learned to run

to care but disconnect

for there are men in this world

only out there to collect

they gather hearts made of paper

to crumple and destroy

will play you like violin

then toss you like an old toy..

I must protect my paper heart

for it can so easily tear

so much beauty lies within

if only treated with care

Soft hands that hold it

gently and with love

my paper heart will open

as the sky does up above

So unfold it slowly

without tearing it apart

and you will reap the benefits

of my fragile paper heart.... 

I am a storm..

I am a storm
black clouds cover me
run while you can
far, far away from me

I will only hurt you
and cause your heart pain
and my gray swirling sky
will fill your days with rain

for like a storm
I move quickly through
and although my heart
may long for you

It is not who I am
my love cannot be given away
for the winds of this storm
must blow swiftly away

twisting in the nigth sky
thunderous and dark
my emotions explode
and like a lightening spark

I slowly fade away
for I am a storm
and after all these years
I just can't transform

seek comfort in love
know a force so strong
will love you deeply
but cannot stay long

when I am gone
and the sun shines again
and the dew drops remain
you will know then

that shelter can be sought
under a sunny canopy
you deserve someone
that I could never be

in this life time
this must be my form
and i will only cause damage
for I am a storm

After All These Years.....

 

After all these years
thinking my soul has died
you touched me within
my heart is revived

Your gentle blue eyes
your soft, tender touch
took away the fear
that has been my crutch

When I am with you
I feel safe and secure
a brand new feeling
I never felt before

The days seem brighter
the nights not so long
for once in my life
I am right where I belong

I look forward to our adventures
and to spending time with you
finally finding happiness
after all we've both been through

So with your hand in mine
my heart will no longer resist
and I will give you the love
that I thought could not exist

I will live in the moment
enjoy the smiles, no more tears
for I believe that love can awaken
even after all these years....

Penny the Penguin from Penguainia

(I wrote this for a contest...The prompt was that it had to be a rhyming story about a Penguin from Penguainia that loved fish! There were only 20 left on the island and so the Penguin came up with a plan.  To steal some from the New York City Zoo.  It was fun to write about! Here's my version.)

I am Penny the Penguin from Penguainia
there are only 20 fish left in all the land
and I am faced with quite the dilemma
I love fish, this is too much to withstand!

I talked to Pauly Polar Bear
who told me there was fish  at the zoo
but I had to reach New York City
it was the only thing I could do!!!

So Pauly and I came up with a plan
for me leave Penguainia right away
I would wait for the next tour boat
jump on and stow away!

The tour boat arrived
Pauly gave them a show
while I waddled as fast as I could
and hid beneath the bow

The boat was ready to leave
and Pauly bid me farewell
"Come back with fish!" he cried
and the boat began to propel

Eventually the boat landed
but New York City we were not
there were no city buildings
this was a sandy and warm spot

So I waddled amongst the passerngers
caught up in the crowd
until a wonderful smell caught my senses
"fish!" I yelled outloud

Right before my eyes
like a beautiful oasis before me
Appeared a large fish market
oh, It filled me with much glee!

I could  not help myself
as I heard Pauly in my mind yelling "Go!"
I slid underneath the table
and eyed a nice piece of turbot

I grabbed it quickly
with my beak as tight as I was able
"Come back here with my fish!"
yelled the man behind the table.

As I was running with the fish
not paying attention to the ground
I stepped on a board with wheels
that spun me round and round

Down a hill I rolled
fish still in beak
I rolled right into a truck
man I had to change my technique!

I swallowed the fish
and as I looked up to my surprise
was a NYC license plate
and a window full of tiny eyes!!

As the driver got out
to see what hit his truck
he opened up the doors to check on
what I clearly saw was a duck!

Before he shut the door
I jumped in with fish on my mind
the tiny eyes just stared
I am a penguin bear in mind!!

As my eyes adjusted
I saw the ducks more clear
as what seemed to be the leader
approached me with no fear

A Penguin in Florida?
He asked, looking for a clue
"I am headed for New York City", I replied
I am looking for the zoo.

My name is Durango he said
and welcome to our truck
my new little penguin friend
you are in a  lot of luck!

Durango explained
that they were too
heading on a journey
to the New York City Zoo!

What are the chances?
a million to one?
I knew my mission was fate
I had to complete my fish run

Durango and I shared stories
about our mutual love for fish
and he told me they would help me
and assist me with my wish

The trip was lengthy
but finally we arrived
before the doors opened
a plan was already contrived

Durango and his crew of ducks
would flutter and distract
as I sought to steal the fish
in one extremely brave act

As the ducks fluttered
quacked and divided
I looked for the pond
where the fish all resided

I finally found it
as my eyes opened wide
Now I had to get the fish
back to the truck and inside!

I saw an empty feed bucket
and quickly piled the fish inside
and dragged the bucket to the truck
in order to quickly hide!

The truck arrived back in Florida
Now the tour boat I had to reach!
I saw it docked along the pier
along the sandy beach

I dragged the bucket along
thinking mmm...they looked delish
when i heard a voice yell out
"Hey, it's you that stole my fish!"

A man started chasing me
The man from the fish market store!
I dragged the heavy bucket
to a surfboard on the shore

I had no choice
but to jump on board
as I glided through the waters
holding tight to my award

The tour boat floated by
and I threw the fish on deck
then jumped over the rail
to complete this final trek

I scurried with my bucket
and safely hid beneath the bow
to head back to Penguania
with my fish now in tow

I got hungry on the trip back
it was such a long quest
and the fish smelled so good
"Just one", I said,  "I'll save the rest."

My belly was full
As Penguania came into sight
but as I picked up the bucket
it seemed kind of light

I looked down in the bucket
the fish had disappeared
and I realized what happened
it was as I had feared

I loved fish too much
and I ate every last one
I sighed with my bucket in hand
as my new adventure had just begun....

Untrodden Place..

Stepping back
safety assured
emotional barriers
and scars obscured

Superficial wounds
heart encased
remains untrodden
an innocuous space

Guileful ways
seducing eyes
transparency apparent
behind your disguise

Enticing words
surreptitious glance
sidestep through
this cautious dance

Contained emotions
bulging heart
sorrow arrives
when you depart

Strength weakened
soft smile
gentle touch
you stay awhile

Shaken soul
walls cracked
enough space
for your attack

momentous joy
cover blown
road hereafter
remains unknown

slowly opening
sacred site
risk taken
a detained flight

allowed in
untrodden place
mending heart
takes its place .....

Journey Through Life's Desert

Journey Through Life's Desert

Grainy endless waves

in an infinite desert

winds blowing coarse

across skin and heart alike

sandy footsteps guide

as sinking earth below

sucks the soul downward

into despairs dark hole

The hot sun scorches

visible upon exposed skin

protection unattainable

amongst this barren land

Spirit pushing forward 

aware of vultures above

swooping down below

waiting for death to arrive 

Through gritty eyes

an oasis seen in the distance

welcoming and calling

with waterpaint colors

destiny's voice is heard

moisture washes away the heat

amongst the flowered cactus 

shelters doors welcomes the tired soul.

Hardships giving strength

in life's solitary journey

the destitute soul finds refuge

and the path to the unreachable...

The Clock Ticks

The  Clock Ticks

The clock ticks

breaking the silence

of a sobbing heart

and time goes on ...

the hands slowly creep

taunting as they move

around a neverending circle

reminder of days begotten

What is time but a recollection

of regret, sadness or possibly splendor

that with each passing moment

slowly fades into blurred memories

Seconds, minutes and hours

each moment vital to our soul

carrying with it potential or loss

filling us with hopes and dreams

Time moves on continuously

as does our journey in this life

never constant, forever changing

for it is the one thing we can't control

The clock ticks

and in the silence

my heart begins to heal

within an emerging future ....


(GREAT song and nothing to do with my poem -
called "Clocks" by Coldplay)

Risky Love

Risky Love

I am taking a risk with you

but it is a chance I must take

our love may grow and flourish

or it can cause me much heartache

But the dream is worth it

my feelings I can't conceal

I will wait for you with patience

and help your heart to heal

We need to proceed with caution

go as slow as our feelings grew

We have both been hurt in our lives

and these emotions are brand new

I trust your words enough

to lower the walls for you

I won't settle for being content

I will look at love anew  

I am willing to take a gamble   

place my bet and step across

for a chance at loves hand 

though risky, is never a loss....

Night Falls

The twilight above me
so obscure and sullen
dispirting clouds conceal
the stars on this lightless night

moonlit shadows
cast upon my room
amongst the darkness
as a single tear falls

the wind howls
weaving through trees
the cold draft in the air
rivals my emotionless heart

Midnight comes fast
tossing and turning
my sleepless body
thoughts obstruct dreams

visions of love
and someone to hold
hope clings to my heart
sadness carries me away

I drift off into unconsciousness
feeling no pain, just peace
as the tears dry
tomorrow will come quickly...

Writer's Therapy

Writer's Therapy

Love has abandoned me

in my life so many times

that the only cure to the pain

are in words, are in rhymes

My heart always ends up broken 

Tears fall full of anguish and pain

and when I cant find the rainbow

behind the clouds, after the rain 

I seek refuge behind paper

or my computer screen

attempting to heal the crack in my heart

now resembling a deep ravine

Like blood flows from the veins

my feelings through verses pour out 

until my body feels lifeless and drained

like a long summers drought

Poetry my confidant 

containing so much of my emotion

like a life raft thrown into the waters

saving me from the vast ocean

Written words expressed

a type of healing occurs

I let go of the hurt

as the pain transfers

My expectations are not much

for this feeling may only be brief

but momentarily my cares go away 

my body feels so much relief

learning so much from my own words 

lessons needed so desperately

I gain strength, growth and healing

throughout my writer's therapy..

Goodbye my Love

Goodbye My Love

Goodbye my love

I have to go

Always remember

I love you so...

Goodbye my love

like the wind does blow

my heart is calling

for me to grow

Goodbye my love

I will never forget

for what we had

I will never regret

Goodbye my love

like I treasure I hold deep

inside my heart

our love I will keep

Goodbye my love

I've learned a lot

Please be happy

don't be distraught

Goodbye my love,

open up your heart

for happiness awaits you

 but we must be apart

Goodbye my love

what we had was true

our souls were brought together

and I will never forget you...

  

Empty Nest Syndrome

As I write this blog, I feel that I am in a good place in my life.  I feel an awakening.  I think that sometimes we get so caught up in work, family, financial matters, etc. that we lose ourselves.  Our true authentic selves.  This is part of the journey of life.  We must go through this and sacrifice a part of ourselves for the good of the whole cause.  I think it is good for the soul and regardless, is one of the  most rewarding experiences we can have.  I am speaking of raising our children.

What happens though when it all starts to come to an end?  The chapter is coming to a close and you are now left with the uncertainty of the future.  You are forced to stop and look at yourself in the mirror.  All of a sudden life as you have known it all these years changes.  There is a feeling of being lost and a kind of sadness that can be overwhelming at times.

What do we do now? What will this next chapter bring us?  We almost feel as if our worth is connected to our children.  If my child no longer needs me than what is my job now?  What is my meaning?  This is especially difficult I think for single parents.  There is a different bond  there when it is just you and your child against the world.

Just recently I took a trip to Target to get a few household items.  As I walked around the store with my cart,  I became aware of the sights and sounds around me.  There were children laughing, babies crying, and husbands and wives having discussions. In a single moment I felt so absolutely alone that it almost sent me into a panic attack.

I never had the whole "family" thing.  I was in a relationship but it was on and off and mainly just my son and I all the time.  He went everywhere with me.  I first felt the feeling of loss when my son no longer wanted toys for Christmas.  As I walked by toy aisles, I realized my little boy was growing up.  From there it became a slow letting go.  A balance of how much to let him fly and how much to hold on.  There is no piece of literature or person that can give you these answers.  You have to look inside, you, have to know your child and determine his/her maturity level.  Challenging does not even begin to describe it.  Along comes driving, girlfriends, rebellion, etc.  Slowly you realize you are not your child's whole life anymore.  The world and all it has to offer is awaiting them and you must let go.

A good friend of mine posted a poem by Gibran that perfectly describes our job as parents and I will post that at the end of this blog post.  There is one particular saying in the poem that he pointed out to me.  Which is "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."  He reminded me that I am the bow and not the arrow.  It is up to my son as the arrow to now fly straight.  If for any reason he does not, I cannot base my own self-worth on this for I am just the bow.  I hope to have instilled in my son integrity, honor, respect, love and compassion.  I hope that when it comes down to taking Path A or Path B he chooses the right one.  If not, then at least learn and grow from his experiences.  I have so many hopes and dreams for him but for now..I must let him find his way and let him know that I love him unconditionally.

So now, as a single parent who lived and breathed for my son I am left to look deep within myself.  How do I go on when I am dealing with a profound emptiness inside of me that is almost paralyzing.  Well, it has taken me a lot of soul searching to find some answers.  It has taken me time alone in solitude.  I have had to allow myself to mourn in a way and find a way to embrace the future and myself.

This has led to an awakening.  I was going through photos of my son and getting all emotional when I came across a photograph of myself as a child.  I couldn't help but notice the sense of adventure and excitement in my eyes.  There was a light and an ear to ear smile.  I knew right then that I had to find her again.  I had to find myself.  What do I enjoy?  I enjoy people.  So I slowly started to go out with friends and realized how fun life can be again!  It has been great sharing stories and laughs.  I also have always enjoyed reading and writing.  I am back to reading again.  I try to take time out every night to shut off the television, make a nice warm cup of tea and read.  Self-help books are good but so are books that are trashy and light.  I like to alternate between the two.  I have started working out and taking care of my body more.  This has given me more energy to do all the things I want to accomplish.  I write again.  All this time alone in thought has opened up my mind again and so many things have inspired me.  Last of all, love.  I think my heart is opening up again to the possibility.  Regardless, I will be happy and fulfilled but I would like to have someone to grow old with me and share life.

I am blessed to have so many positive and loving people around me.  They have supported me raising my son and support me now as I enter this next phase of my life.  I thank each and every one of them for the unique gift each one has given me.  Who knows what this next chapter brings?  I now am finding it easier to be positive.   I will be turning 40 in May and plan on a trip with friends full of martini's and most likely if I know them..craziness.  Now when I look in the mirror I see a wrinkle or two, maybe a gray hair but in my eyes I see the girl in the photograph...bright with the excitement of what is to come....

Here is a link to the poem:
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

The Lotus

One of my favorite flowers other than the majestic rose is the lotus.  The lotus in Buddhism is a symbol of purity of the body, speech & mind.  It grows from muddy waters but its beautiful flowers blossom above on long stalks.

So this year, I will use the symbolism of the lotus to inspire me. I will work on purity of the body by eating clean, being healthy and taking care of my body.  I will work on purity of speech by making people feel good, by being kind and gentle with my words.  I will work on purity of the mind by working on worrying less, meditating and trying to be more "in the moment".

The fact that the beautiful blossoms of the lotus grow above the muddy waters, reminds me that even though I have been stuck in the mud., no matter how difficult the past is or circumstances are...I can rise above and blossom into the woman I want to be.  No more excuses.   

I will work on my spirit above all. Just as water drops slide off the lotus leaf, we cannot attach ourselves to material things or outside influences  They are not permanent and eventually "slide" off.  Changes within are.  In order to reach new year goals and for them to stick you have to be happy with yourself, everything else eventually falls into place.

    "I love the lotus because while growing from mud, it is unstained" ~ Zhou Dunyi, Confucian Scholar

So, my friends, my message to you is that no matter how much "mud" you have been in don't let it "stain" you.  Remember that it is a new year.  A time for new beginnings.  Lotus pedals unfold and expand..now is a great time for you to do the same.  Have faith, hope and persistence.  Reach inside to find what you really want and go for it. Rise above the negative thoughts (mud).  Make your dreams come true.  Let yourself shine.  You will be amazed at the beautiful person that will "bloom" ~

  "Like the lotus, you experience three primary stages of evolution. The first is marked by ignorance and darkness, when you lie below the dense mud - a closed chysalis - which, by nature of existence, will eventually be pulled upwards by the warmth of the Sun. The second is exemplified by the climb through the clouded waters of your emotional experience, yet still the flower reaches to the Sun, knowing no other destiny ... no other purpose. The third brings full illumination in the splendour of the light. The Lotus flower blossoms, baring its exquisite beauty to all those who are aware, enough to recognise God unfolding." ~ Patricia Cori

Unhappy People

Jack Lalanne was a man who believed in good nutrition and exercise long before it became popular in the United States.  He believed in simplicity.  A simple life = a happy life.  He was wise man who stood behind these beliefs throughout his whole entire life.  He lived what he believed in.

Jack Lalanne survived until the ripe old age of 96 finally succumbing to pneumonia yesterday, but he spent every year of his life LIVING.  He believed in nurturing and caring for the body and mind.  He held the key to a happy and fulfilled life and he shared it with the world.  I have always believed in his message, simple and clear.  Too many people are obsessed with success financially and ignore the spiritual side.  You can have all the money in the world, be a successful businessman but if you are not happy inside and with your life than it is all worthless.  Instead of striving to be wealthy in material things..strive to be wealthy in life.  Friends and family make us rich..not money.  Making others happy brings happiness upon ourselves..simplicity and seeing beauty in nature and in all around us is what brings happiness.  Most of all, loving ourselves is THE most important thing.

You can say you are a spiritual person reading and practicing but if you aren't taking care of yourself...body and mind than how can you reach the point of enlightenment..how can you discover what you are really supposed to be and do in this life.  Like a plant growing from the earth we need to nourish ourselves in order to grow.  It is not a complicated equation yet people struggle to find this daily. 

Look around you everyday and find grace in the blessings that you DO have instead of focusing on what you don't.  Find peace in just being in the moment and realize that you don't have control over everything in your life.  As you realize this and release that control to God or a higher power, you will not only release a heavy burden but you will discover peace and serenity in knowing that things will be ok.  You need to let go and allow life to happen.  Have faith and things somehow, someway work out the way they are supposed to.  The letting go part is difficult. 

This does not mean that we should not work daily to try to better ourselves.  This is necessary.  It is a daily practice and some days are more difficult then others.  I try to take a few minutes every day to stop everything.  Relax to some quiet music, close my eyes and just be.  To take the time to appreciate each breath and all my blessings around me.

I have always said that the happiest people I know have very little.  They enjoy family time and will find joy in doing free things..that do not cost a thing.  They might not be able to visit some exotic location but they will go camping, laugh and have a great time.  I know more successful people who are too busy working to ever enjoy time like this.  It is about making the best out of the life you are given.  Authentic living.

Jack Lalanne mentioned that people just don't smile anymore.  It is true and it is sad.  Smiling not only makes you feel good but others as well.  I smile at people I pass in a store, on the street and at work.  A smile does so much to change someone's day.  If I see someone who looks unhappy or even grouchy and miserable, I will especially take the time to smile at them because it is they that need it the most. 

Jack Lalanne's message will always live on.  I hope that we all can learn from him and start living the life that we were meant to!! Peace & Happiness ~ Lauren...RIP Jack Lalanne

My son is almost a man....and I don't like it

My son told me to stop treating him like a baby today.  I don't think I do but maybe subconsciously I still think of him as my baby and somehow that comes out.  I am feeling sad today because of that.  He is going to be 18 in just a few months and I am having a lot of trouble with it.  While most of my friends are raising young children and enjoying those treasured times that I cherished, I am having to learn to let my son go.  Raising him has been the absolute greatest thing I have ever done with my life.  Especially as a single mother.  We had this bond that was special.  He was my world.  We had movie nights, game nights and special little trips together.  It was him and I against the world.  I remember we used to go to this little used book/coin shop.  I was on such a tight budget but for just a few dollars he could pick out some books and "special" coins..it was great!! We never had a lot of money but made the best out of it and believe it or not those are his greatest memories!  I remember times when I didn't even have much money for food..so we would get a hotdog at Target and if I had enough, he could pick out a hot wheel car.  Those little special moments...locked in my heart.  Then our Bob's furniture field trips..I would look look at all the furniture I dreamed to have and he would try everything out..then we would go to the back of the store where he could pick out candy and get ice cream..he loved it.  He was such a snuggler too.  Always snuggled up close to me and we would get silly, eat popcorn and watch movies.  NOW, if I get a breakfast or lunch with him it is like hitting the lottery.  It makes my week.  EVEN with his attitude.  I'll take it.  He has a girlfriend who is great but it's hard not being the main woman in his life anymore.  So very difficult.  I don't know where time went but it went by so fast..I swear I just blinked.  Its a new phase for the both of us and It's hard.  I will never get those times back.  Now, it is just me.  He asks me to let go and I am trying really hard..trying to have faith in him and loving him but releasing him slowly into the world.  It is a scary world on top of it and he is the type who has to learn the hard way..those very difficult lessons we all had to go through.  My instinct is to protect him, to wrap my arms tight around him and never let go.  That is impossible though and he has to fly.  He has to learn on his own and all I have is prayer and the knowledge that maybe..just maybe some of what I instilled in him has sunken in.  I know I need to let him be a man but I will always have one tiny bit of thread still holding on.  I am a mother and that's what we do.  I will get through this..I just didn't realize that this day would come so soon.  That when he is 18 he can make so many decisions for himself..that it's time to focus on me.  I guess I don't really want to.  Who knows what is to come..new adventures but this time me..alone.  That is maybe the other scary thing.  I know one thing though..He will still need me..and I will always be here for my son..no matter what.  Noone said it would be easy.

Wounded Heart

Wounded heart

bleeding from inside

a part of my soul

has withered and died

To know what I have been through

and to hurt me this way

has renewed my belief

that love is not here to stay

I am not meant for love

nor is it meant for me

my heart, my soul, my spirit

is meant to be free

I have always been a woman

who has survived and been strong

but I am only human

and it has been so long

I am shattered in pieces

weakened by pain

and there's only so much

my spirit can contain

I am now a woman

broken beyond repair

for life is tough

and rarely is it fair  ..

I am ready to let go

give in and not fight

and pray to God above

to give me some respite

The lock has been broken

and forever more I have changed

released from the grips of love

never again will I be chained

I am out of this game

and numbness has set in

for one cold & lonely day

has changed me within....

Spirit Within

This poem was written about the time I had escaped from a bad relationship in my past.  It is a story of the spirit.  The spirit that lives inside all of us.  The one thing that nobody can take away.  The one thing that gives us the strenth to go on, even when things seem hopeless..whispers in our ear.."try again" " do not give up" "I must be free"....   

My spirit soars
above all the pain
above the hurtful words,
the bruises, the lies.

My spirit flies
away to somewhere free
filled with love
where you cannot hurt me

My spirit lives
in a place of serenity
protected by my mind
where I can be me

My spirit cannot be broken
as can bones or a heart
the spirit inside me
never left from the start

My spirit is strong
gives me courage each day
wounded and scarred
but here to stay

My spirit has awakened
No longer locked behind a door
allowing peace and light inside
to shine once more....

The Ocean

THE OCEAN 

  

She welcomes me in all her vast glory

her majestic and immense presence

a billion sparkles of light shimmer

like diamonds scattered around her

reflecting against the suns rays

and tempoarily erased with foam tipped crests

She is life in its most natural form

for so much vitality covers every part of her

she sways in a rythmic motion singing a watery lullaby

and below, energy exists in a perfect symphony

filled with resplendant colors and continuous  motion

in the steady universal flow of the circle of life..

The clouds linger above her always following

drifting in their perpetual moodiness

having the ability to change at any moment

within them the power to anger the aqueous mass below

the current surging forward in a temper tantrum

as it curls and rises towards the summoning sandy base

The sun is harsh burning hot and salt seasons the lips

as seagulls swirl and hover above crying out

looking for hidden treasures below the canopy of the sea

where exotic creatures move to and fro in an uninvasive world

existing in a mysterious space of refined senses,

concerts of soft melodies and spectacular light shows

Above, the horizon is seen in the distance through the haze

Its orange and purple colors like a broad paint stroke across the sky

the moons light bounces off the waters guiding them with its tractive force

 as night takes over day, the changing colors are not only a feast for the eyes

but a reminder to cherish the moment, for tomorrow is not promised

and as we sail towards the future, our dreams lie as endless as the ocean ...

Vision of the Pre-Dream State of Mind

In the pre-dream state
between conscious and unconscious
is when my clearest thoughts occur

This is when my mind is free of the clutter
of life, bills, worries
and open to my heart and soul

This is when my creative juices flow
ideas pop into my head
as the darkness behind my eyes
forms shapes and colors

I am inspired by dreams
and thoughts buried
held for tomorrows that never came

they arise out of the mist and blur
and light my heart and awaken my my mind
I enter a magical world
where can't, won't, not possible does not exist

just freedom, time and space
within myself
nowhere else

I can go so far and dream so big
there are no boundaries
no wrong, no right

just an open field of possibilities
visions, dreams
the spirit runs free
words flow
ideas..colors
swirl inside my head

I say to myself..tomorrow I will remember ....
as I slowly drift into the unconscious state
of dreams soon to be forgotten
and all the thoughts, ideas and possibilities
are erased..put back into the recess of my mind
until next time.

the alarm rings
reality comes to life
and the day begins.

Seed of Love....

SEED OF LOVE

You planted a seed

of love deep inside my soul

nurturing it, watering it

watching it grow

from an empty place

my heart blooms

desire, hope, truth

my spirit consumes

colors ignite

like fireworks within

mind inspired

for I am your yin

You are my yang

together we have become

two souls united

joined as one

I dreamt of you

a hundred times or more

and I will dream of you

forevermore

Seasons change

and life continues on

but my love for you

remains ever strong

for you planted a seed

where strong roots have grown

always to remain

the only love I have known

and I will love you

and help your heart grow too

an amazing, wonderful man

who showed me love so true

My garden of love will continue to blossom

under the light of your smile

and one day when we are together 

though it may take awhile....

our hands will touch...

our eyes will meet...

and then..my love...

it will be all be complete..