Journey Through Life's Desert

Journey Through Life's Desert

Grainy endless waves

in an infinite desert

winds blowing coarse

across skin and heart alike

sandy footsteps guide

as sinking earth below

sucks the soul downward

into despairs dark hole

The hot sun scorches

visible upon exposed skin

protection unattainable

amongst this barren land

Spirit pushing forward 

aware of vultures above

swooping down below

waiting for death to arrive 

Through gritty eyes

an oasis seen in the distance

welcoming and calling

with waterpaint colors

destiny's voice is heard

moisture washes away the heat

amongst the flowered cactus 

shelters doors welcomes the tired soul.

Hardships giving strength

in life's solitary journey

the destitute soul finds refuge

and the path to the unreachable...

The Clock Ticks

The  Clock Ticks

The clock ticks

breaking the silence

of a sobbing heart

and time goes on ...

the hands slowly creep

taunting as they move

around a neverending circle

reminder of days begotten

What is time but a recollection

of regret, sadness or possibly splendor

that with each passing moment

slowly fades into blurred memories

Seconds, minutes and hours

each moment vital to our soul

carrying with it potential or loss

filling us with hopes and dreams

Time moves on continuously

as does our journey in this life

never constant, forever changing

for it is the one thing we can't control

The clock ticks

and in the silence

my heart begins to heal

within an emerging future ....


(GREAT song and nothing to do with my poem -
called "Clocks" by Coldplay)

Risky Love

Risky Love

I am taking a risk with you

but it is a chance I must take

our love may grow and flourish

or it can cause me much heartache

But the dream is worth it

my feelings I can't conceal

I will wait for you with patience

and help your heart to heal

We need to proceed with caution

go as slow as our feelings grew

We have both been hurt in our lives

and these emotions are brand new

I trust your words enough

to lower the walls for you

I won't settle for being content

I will look at love anew  

I am willing to take a gamble   

place my bet and step across

for a chance at loves hand 

though risky, is never a loss....

Night Falls

The twilight above me
so obscure and sullen
dispirting clouds conceal
the stars on this lightless night

moonlit shadows
cast upon my room
amongst the darkness
as a single tear falls

the wind howls
weaving through trees
the cold draft in the air
rivals my emotionless heart

Midnight comes fast
tossing and turning
my sleepless body
thoughts obstruct dreams

visions of love
and someone to hold
hope clings to my heart
sadness carries me away

I drift off into unconsciousness
feeling no pain, just peace
as the tears dry
tomorrow will come quickly...

Writer's Therapy

Writer's Therapy

Love has abandoned me

in my life so many times

that the only cure to the pain

are in words, are in rhymes

My heart always ends up broken 

Tears fall full of anguish and pain

and when I cant find the rainbow

behind the clouds, after the rain 

I seek refuge behind paper

or my computer screen

attempting to heal the crack in my heart

now resembling a deep ravine

Like blood flows from the veins

my feelings through verses pour out 

until my body feels lifeless and drained

like a long summers drought

Poetry my confidant 

containing so much of my emotion

like a life raft thrown into the waters

saving me from the vast ocean

Written words expressed

a type of healing occurs

I let go of the hurt

as the pain transfers

My expectations are not much

for this feeling may only be brief

but momentarily my cares go away 

my body feels so much relief

learning so much from my own words 

lessons needed so desperately

I gain strength, growth and healing

throughout my writer's therapy..

Goodbye my Love

Goodbye My Love

Goodbye my love

I have to go

Always remember

I love you so...

Goodbye my love

like the wind does blow

my heart is calling

for me to grow

Goodbye my love

I will never forget

for what we had

I will never regret

Goodbye my love

like I treasure I hold deep

inside my heart

our love I will keep

Goodbye my love

I've learned a lot

Please be happy

don't be distraught

Goodbye my love,

open up your heart

for happiness awaits you

 but we must be apart

Goodbye my love

what we had was true

our souls were brought together

and I will never forget you...

  

Empty Nest Syndrome

As I write this blog, I feel that I am in a good place in my life.  I feel an awakening.  I think that sometimes we get so caught up in work, family, financial matters, etc. that we lose ourselves.  Our true authentic selves.  This is part of the journey of life.  We must go through this and sacrifice a part of ourselves for the good of the whole cause.  I think it is good for the soul and regardless, is one of the  most rewarding experiences we can have.  I am speaking of raising our children.

What happens though when it all starts to come to an end?  The chapter is coming to a close and you are now left with the uncertainty of the future.  You are forced to stop and look at yourself in the mirror.  All of a sudden life as you have known it all these years changes.  There is a feeling of being lost and a kind of sadness that can be overwhelming at times.

What do we do now? What will this next chapter bring us?  We almost feel as if our worth is connected to our children.  If my child no longer needs me than what is my job now?  What is my meaning?  This is especially difficult I think for single parents.  There is a different bond  there when it is just you and your child against the world.

Just recently I took a trip to Target to get a few household items.  As I walked around the store with my cart,  I became aware of the sights and sounds around me.  There were children laughing, babies crying, and husbands and wives having discussions. In a single moment I felt so absolutely alone that it almost sent me into a panic attack.

I never had the whole "family" thing.  I was in a relationship but it was on and off and mainly just my son and I all the time.  He went everywhere with me.  I first felt the feeling of loss when my son no longer wanted toys for Christmas.  As I walked by toy aisles, I realized my little boy was growing up.  From there it became a slow letting go.  A balance of how much to let him fly and how much to hold on.  There is no piece of literature or person that can give you these answers.  You have to look inside, you, have to know your child and determine his/her maturity level.  Challenging does not even begin to describe it.  Along comes driving, girlfriends, rebellion, etc.  Slowly you realize you are not your child's whole life anymore.  The world and all it has to offer is awaiting them and you must let go.

A good friend of mine posted a poem by Gibran that perfectly describes our job as parents and I will post that at the end of this blog post.  There is one particular saying in the poem that he pointed out to me.  Which is "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."  He reminded me that I am the bow and not the arrow.  It is up to my son as the arrow to now fly straight.  If for any reason he does not, I cannot base my own self-worth on this for I am just the bow.  I hope to have instilled in my son integrity, honor, respect, love and compassion.  I hope that when it comes down to taking Path A or Path B he chooses the right one.  If not, then at least learn and grow from his experiences.  I have so many hopes and dreams for him but for now..I must let him find his way and let him know that I love him unconditionally.

So now, as a single parent who lived and breathed for my son I am left to look deep within myself.  How do I go on when I am dealing with a profound emptiness inside of me that is almost paralyzing.  Well, it has taken me a lot of soul searching to find some answers.  It has taken me time alone in solitude.  I have had to allow myself to mourn in a way and find a way to embrace the future and myself.

This has led to an awakening.  I was going through photos of my son and getting all emotional when I came across a photograph of myself as a child.  I couldn't help but notice the sense of adventure and excitement in my eyes.  There was a light and an ear to ear smile.  I knew right then that I had to find her again.  I had to find myself.  What do I enjoy?  I enjoy people.  So I slowly started to go out with friends and realized how fun life can be again!  It has been great sharing stories and laughs.  I also have always enjoyed reading and writing.  I am back to reading again.  I try to take time out every night to shut off the television, make a nice warm cup of tea and read.  Self-help books are good but so are books that are trashy and light.  I like to alternate between the two.  I have started working out and taking care of my body more.  This has given me more energy to do all the things I want to accomplish.  I write again.  All this time alone in thought has opened up my mind again and so many things have inspired me.  Last of all, love.  I think my heart is opening up again to the possibility.  Regardless, I will be happy and fulfilled but I would like to have someone to grow old with me and share life.

I am blessed to have so many positive and loving people around me.  They have supported me raising my son and support me now as I enter this next phase of my life.  I thank each and every one of them for the unique gift each one has given me.  Who knows what this next chapter brings?  I now am finding it easier to be positive.   I will be turning 40 in May and plan on a trip with friends full of martini's and most likely if I know them..craziness.  Now when I look in the mirror I see a wrinkle or two, maybe a gray hair but in my eyes I see the girl in the photograph...bright with the excitement of what is to come....

Here is a link to the poem:
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

The Lotus

One of my favorite flowers other than the majestic rose is the lotus.  The lotus in Buddhism is a symbol of purity of the body, speech & mind.  It grows from muddy waters but its beautiful flowers blossom above on long stalks.

So this year, I will use the symbolism of the lotus to inspire me. I will work on purity of the body by eating clean, being healthy and taking care of my body.  I will work on purity of speech by making people feel good, by being kind and gentle with my words.  I will work on purity of the mind by working on worrying less, meditating and trying to be more "in the moment".

The fact that the beautiful blossoms of the lotus grow above the muddy waters, reminds me that even though I have been stuck in the mud., no matter how difficult the past is or circumstances are...I can rise above and blossom into the woman I want to be.  No more excuses.   

I will work on my spirit above all. Just as water drops slide off the lotus leaf, we cannot attach ourselves to material things or outside influences  They are not permanent and eventually "slide" off.  Changes within are.  In order to reach new year goals and for them to stick you have to be happy with yourself, everything else eventually falls into place.

    "I love the lotus because while growing from mud, it is unstained" ~ Zhou Dunyi, Confucian Scholar

So, my friends, my message to you is that no matter how much "mud" you have been in don't let it "stain" you.  Remember that it is a new year.  A time for new beginnings.  Lotus pedals unfold and expand..now is a great time for you to do the same.  Have faith, hope and persistence.  Reach inside to find what you really want and go for it. Rise above the negative thoughts (mud).  Make your dreams come true.  Let yourself shine.  You will be amazed at the beautiful person that will "bloom" ~

  "Like the lotus, you experience three primary stages of evolution. The first is marked by ignorance and darkness, when you lie below the dense mud - a closed chysalis - which, by nature of existence, will eventually be pulled upwards by the warmth of the Sun. The second is exemplified by the climb through the clouded waters of your emotional experience, yet still the flower reaches to the Sun, knowing no other destiny ... no other purpose. The third brings full illumination in the splendour of the light. The Lotus flower blossoms, baring its exquisite beauty to all those who are aware, enough to recognise God unfolding." ~ Patricia Cori

Unhappy People

Jack Lalanne was a man who believed in good nutrition and exercise long before it became popular in the United States.  He believed in simplicity.  A simple life = a happy life.  He was wise man who stood behind these beliefs throughout his whole entire life.  He lived what he believed in.

Jack Lalanne survived until the ripe old age of 96 finally succumbing to pneumonia yesterday, but he spent every year of his life LIVING.  He believed in nurturing and caring for the body and mind.  He held the key to a happy and fulfilled life and he shared it with the world.  I have always believed in his message, simple and clear.  Too many people are obsessed with success financially and ignore the spiritual side.  You can have all the money in the world, be a successful businessman but if you are not happy inside and with your life than it is all worthless.  Instead of striving to be wealthy in material things..strive to be wealthy in life.  Friends and family make us rich..not money.  Making others happy brings happiness upon ourselves..simplicity and seeing beauty in nature and in all around us is what brings happiness.  Most of all, loving ourselves is THE most important thing.

You can say you are a spiritual person reading and practicing but if you aren't taking care of yourself...body and mind than how can you reach the point of enlightenment..how can you discover what you are really supposed to be and do in this life.  Like a plant growing from the earth we need to nourish ourselves in order to grow.  It is not a complicated equation yet people struggle to find this daily. 

Look around you everyday and find grace in the blessings that you DO have instead of focusing on what you don't.  Find peace in just being in the moment and realize that you don't have control over everything in your life.  As you realize this and release that control to God or a higher power, you will not only release a heavy burden but you will discover peace and serenity in knowing that things will be ok.  You need to let go and allow life to happen.  Have faith and things somehow, someway work out the way they are supposed to.  The letting go part is difficult. 

This does not mean that we should not work daily to try to better ourselves.  This is necessary.  It is a daily practice and some days are more difficult then others.  I try to take a few minutes every day to stop everything.  Relax to some quiet music, close my eyes and just be.  To take the time to appreciate each breath and all my blessings around me.

I have always said that the happiest people I know have very little.  They enjoy family time and will find joy in doing free things..that do not cost a thing.  They might not be able to visit some exotic location but they will go camping, laugh and have a great time.  I know more successful people who are too busy working to ever enjoy time like this.  It is about making the best out of the life you are given.  Authentic living.

Jack Lalanne mentioned that people just don't smile anymore.  It is true and it is sad.  Smiling not only makes you feel good but others as well.  I smile at people I pass in a store, on the street and at work.  A smile does so much to change someone's day.  If I see someone who looks unhappy or even grouchy and miserable, I will especially take the time to smile at them because it is they that need it the most. 

Jack Lalanne's message will always live on.  I hope that we all can learn from him and start living the life that we were meant to!! Peace & Happiness ~ Lauren...RIP Jack Lalanne

My son is almost a man....and I don't like it

My son told me to stop treating him like a baby today.  I don't think I do but maybe subconsciously I still think of him as my baby and somehow that comes out.  I am feeling sad today because of that.  He is going to be 18 in just a few months and I am having a lot of trouble with it.  While most of my friends are raising young children and enjoying those treasured times that I cherished, I am having to learn to let my son go.  Raising him has been the absolute greatest thing I have ever done with my life.  Especially as a single mother.  We had this bond that was special.  He was my world.  We had movie nights, game nights and special little trips together.  It was him and I against the world.  I remember we used to go to this little used book/coin shop.  I was on such a tight budget but for just a few dollars he could pick out some books and "special" coins..it was great!! We never had a lot of money but made the best out of it and believe it or not those are his greatest memories!  I remember times when I didn't even have much money for food..so we would get a hotdog at Target and if I had enough, he could pick out a hot wheel car.  Those little special moments...locked in my heart.  Then our Bob's furniture field trips..I would look look at all the furniture I dreamed to have and he would try everything out..then we would go to the back of the store where he could pick out candy and get ice cream..he loved it.  He was such a snuggler too.  Always snuggled up close to me and we would get silly, eat popcorn and watch movies.  NOW, if I get a breakfast or lunch with him it is like hitting the lottery.  It makes my week.  EVEN with his attitude.  I'll take it.  He has a girlfriend who is great but it's hard not being the main woman in his life anymore.  So very difficult.  I don't know where time went but it went by so fast..I swear I just blinked.  Its a new phase for the both of us and It's hard.  I will never get those times back.  Now, it is just me.  He asks me to let go and I am trying really hard..trying to have faith in him and loving him but releasing him slowly into the world.  It is a scary world on top of it and he is the type who has to learn the hard way..those very difficult lessons we all had to go through.  My instinct is to protect him, to wrap my arms tight around him and never let go.  That is impossible though and he has to fly.  He has to learn on his own and all I have is prayer and the knowledge that maybe..just maybe some of what I instilled in him has sunken in.  I know I need to let him be a man but I will always have one tiny bit of thread still holding on.  I am a mother and that's what we do.  I will get through this..I just didn't realize that this day would come so soon.  That when he is 18 he can make so many decisions for himself..that it's time to focus on me.  I guess I don't really want to.  Who knows what is to come..new adventures but this time me..alone.  That is maybe the other scary thing.  I know one thing though..He will still need me..and I will always be here for my son..no matter what.  Noone said it would be easy.

Wounded Heart

Wounded heart

bleeding from inside

a part of my soul

has withered and died

To know what I have been through

and to hurt me this way

has renewed my belief

that love is not here to stay

I am not meant for love

nor is it meant for me

my heart, my soul, my spirit

is meant to be free

I have always been a woman

who has survived and been strong

but I am only human

and it has been so long

I am shattered in pieces

weakened by pain

and there's only so much

my spirit can contain

I am now a woman

broken beyond repair

for life is tough

and rarely is it fair  ..

I am ready to let go

give in and not fight

and pray to God above

to give me some respite

The lock has been broken

and forever more I have changed

released from the grips of love

never again will I be chained

I am out of this game

and numbness has set in

for one cold & lonely day

has changed me within....

Spirit Within

This poem was written about the time I had escaped from a bad relationship in my past.  It is a story of the spirit.  The spirit that lives inside all of us.  The one thing that nobody can take away.  The one thing that gives us the strenth to go on, even when things seem hopeless..whispers in our ear.."try again" " do not give up" "I must be free"....   

My spirit soars
above all the pain
above the hurtful words,
the bruises, the lies.

My spirit flies
away to somewhere free
filled with love
where you cannot hurt me

My spirit lives
in a place of serenity
protected by my mind
where I can be me

My spirit cannot be broken
as can bones or a heart
the spirit inside me
never left from the start

My spirit is strong
gives me courage each day
wounded and scarred
but here to stay

My spirit has awakened
No longer locked behind a door
allowing peace and light inside
to shine once more....

The Ocean

THE OCEAN 

  

She welcomes me in all her vast glory

her majestic and immense presence

a billion sparkles of light shimmer

like diamonds scattered around her

reflecting against the suns rays

and tempoarily erased with foam tipped crests

She is life in its most natural form

for so much vitality covers every part of her

she sways in a rythmic motion singing a watery lullaby

and below, energy exists in a perfect symphony

filled with resplendant colors and continuous  motion

in the steady universal flow of the circle of life..

The clouds linger above her always following

drifting in their perpetual moodiness

having the ability to change at any moment

within them the power to anger the aqueous mass below

the current surging forward in a temper tantrum

as it curls and rises towards the summoning sandy base

The sun is harsh burning hot and salt seasons the lips

as seagulls swirl and hover above crying out

looking for hidden treasures below the canopy of the sea

where exotic creatures move to and fro in an uninvasive world

existing in a mysterious space of refined senses,

concerts of soft melodies and spectacular light shows

Above, the horizon is seen in the distance through the haze

Its orange and purple colors like a broad paint stroke across the sky

the moons light bounces off the waters guiding them with its tractive force

 as night takes over day, the changing colors are not only a feast for the eyes

but a reminder to cherish the moment, for tomorrow is not promised

and as we sail towards the future, our dreams lie as endless as the ocean ...

Vision of the Pre-Dream State of Mind

In the pre-dream state
between conscious and unconscious
is when my clearest thoughts occur

This is when my mind is free of the clutter
of life, bills, worries
and open to my heart and soul

This is when my creative juices flow
ideas pop into my head
as the darkness behind my eyes
forms shapes and colors

I am inspired by dreams
and thoughts buried
held for tomorrows that never came

they arise out of the mist and blur
and light my heart and awaken my my mind
I enter a magical world
where can't, won't, not possible does not exist

just freedom, time and space
within myself
nowhere else

I can go so far and dream so big
there are no boundaries
no wrong, no right

just an open field of possibilities
visions, dreams
the spirit runs free
words flow
ideas..colors
swirl inside my head

I say to myself..tomorrow I will remember ....
as I slowly drift into the unconscious state
of dreams soon to be forgotten
and all the thoughts, ideas and possibilities
are erased..put back into the recess of my mind
until next time.

the alarm rings
reality comes to life
and the day begins.