Monday, March 14, 2011
My son is almost a man....and I don't like it
My son told me to stop treating him like a baby today. I don't think I do but maybe subconsciously I still think of him as my baby and somehow that comes out. I am feeling sad today because of that. He is going to be 18 in just a few months and I am having a lot of trouble with it. While most of my friends are raising young children and enjoying those treasured times that I cherished, I am having to learn to let my son go. Raising him has been the absolute greatest thing I have ever done with my life. Especially as a single mother. We had this bond that was special. He was my world. We had movie nights, game nights and special little trips together. It was him and I against the world. I remember we used to go to this little used book/coin shop. I was on such a tight budget but for just a few dollars he could pick out some books and "special" coins..it was great!! We never had a lot of money but made the best out of it and believe it or not those are his greatest memories! I remember times when I didn't even have much money for food..so we would get a hotdog at Target and if I had enough, he could pick out a hot wheel car. Those little special moments...locked in my heart. Then our Bob's furniture field trips..I would look look at all the furniture I dreamed to have and he would try everything out..then we would go to the back of the store where he could pick out candy and get ice cream..he loved it. He was such a snuggler too. Always snuggled up close to me and we would get silly, eat popcorn and watch movies. NOW, if I get a breakfast or lunch with him it is like hitting the lottery. It makes my week. EVEN with his attitude. I'll take it. He has a girlfriend who is great but it's hard not being the main woman in his life anymore. So very difficult. I don't know where time went but it went by so fast..I swear I just blinked. Its a new phase for the both of us and It's hard. I will never get those times back. Now, it is just me. He asks me to let go and I am trying really hard..trying to have faith in him and loving him but releasing him slowly into the world. It is a scary world on top of it and he is the type who has to learn the hard way..those very difficult lessons we all had to go through. My instinct is to protect him, to wrap my arms tight around him and never let go. That is impossible though and he has to fly. He has to learn on his own and all I have is prayer and the knowledge that maybe..just maybe some of what I instilled in him has sunken in. I know I need to let him be a man but I will always have one tiny bit of thread still holding on. I am a mother and that's what we do. I will get through this..I just didn't realize that this day would come so soon. That when he is 18 he can make so many decisions for himself..that it's time to focus on me. I guess I don't really want to. Who knows what is to come..new adventures but this time me..alone. That is maybe the other scary thing. I know one thing though..He will still need me..and I will always be here for my son..no matter what. Noone said it would be easy.